Dating an Addict

This post will be a bit different than my other posts in the fact there won't be much humor here; this is a more serious topic. As you may know, young adult Christian women are encouraged to ask young adult men they're dating, "When was the last time you looked at porn and what did you do about it?" And rightly so; it's a disease that has taken control of millions of minds and ruined families. Girls are scared they will end up with a porn addict; they know the stats are shockingly high and are dreading the odds not being in their favor.

Is there anything wrong with asking that question? Not necessarily, but it may come across self-righteous without you meaning to be, and there are other vices that can potentially as destructive that you can inquire about.

As one recovering addict has said, "Addicts Anonymous should more accurately be called, 'Liars Anonymous.'" Addicts have a universal common quality: they lie. If you ask an addict about the last time he used, there's a good chance he will lie about it (unless he's already on the road to recovery). Do you really think he'll answer, "Funny you should ask, I just looked at porn yesterday." I don't think so. He will most likely say something like, "Yeah I came across it once or twice like 12,000 years ago but that was it." Some porn addicts will even genuinely believe they aren't addicted; they think that they can stop if they want to but they just choose to continue.

So how do you know if they are telling the truth?

People with addictions of all kinds exhibit certain behaviors whether the addiction is porn, alcohol, eating disorders, self-harm, video games, gossiping, etc... Here is a list compiled from studies done by researchers and addiction recovery therapists - some of these are tailored to those with sexual addictions:

• Manipulative
• Irresponsible
• Asks you for inappropriate pictures
• Guilt-tripping
• Fault-finding
• Easily irritable
• Isolates himself/anti-social
• Messy
• Asks you really intimate questions about your body, underwear, etc...
• Enjoys non-committal hook-ups
• One or both parents may also have a history with addiction
• Secretive (hides his phone)
• Generally unhappy
• Inability to deal with stress
• Low self-esteem
• Impatient
• In denial
• Accusing you of things he is guilty of
• Impulsive
• Periods of depression
• Big reactions to immodesty 
• Anxiety
• Loss of interest in activities he previously enjoyed
• Defensive
• Family problems
• Loss of interest in personal hygiene or grooming 
• Unexplained or sudden disappearances
• Mood swings
• Suicidal thoughts
• Makes excuses
• Procrastinates

These characteristics don't mean he/she is a porn addict; it means this person could (but doesn't guarantee) be addicted to something including porn, video games, anything... When they feel stressed, alone, hurt, rejected, embarrassed, etc... (basically a lack of connection) where do they turn for comfort or connection?

On the other hand, there are positive qualities that addicts simply don't have. I couldn't find much content about this online, so most of this is compiled from my own observations in people that I know are free from addiction. If you see these qualities then he probably doesn't have an addiction:

• Humble
• Enthusiastic
• Is respectful to women
• Dresses modestly
• Proactively looks to serve others
• Enjoys scripture study
• Always positive and respectful
• Honest
• Productive
• Forgiving
• Is not easily offended
• Has a clean and genuine sense of humor
• Your parents like him - good vibes

You can have the gift of discernment to help you know if this is a good path to pursue. The good news is these behaviors cannot be faked on a consistent basis: Moroni 7:11 says “ For behold, a bitter fountain cannot bring forth good water; neither can a good fountain bring forth bitter water; wherefore, a man being a servant of the devil cannot follow Christ; and if he follow Christ he cannot be a servant of the devil.”

So, is asking about his porn history ineffective? All I'm saying is if you are observant and careful, you shouldn't have to.

So, what do you do? You can leave - he shouldn't have to be your project, he's the Savior's project. He will eventually kick the habit (hopefully). You can ask to go to an addiction recovery meeting together. Bottom line is if you stay to make sure he feels a connection with you; guilt trips will only make it worse; you can never criticize someone into perfection. They don't need reminders of how harmful their habit is, they need unconditional love.

The purpose of this post isn't to shame the addict - it's to give the girl a fighting chance to be aware and not be duped.

3 Easy Steps On How To Not Be Alone On Valentine's Day Without Appearing Desperate

This works like a charm.

Step #1: Approach the person with whom you want to go out on Valentine's Day.

Step #2: Ask said person, "Hey, I want to get your opinion - I want to do something with this guy/girl I know on Valentine's Day, but not in a romantic way, you know, just so we both aren't hanging out by ourselves at home; how would you go about asking them in a way that just says, 'I'm not trying to put the moves on you, I want to hang out just as friends and have fun?'"

Step #3: Listen to your friend share his/her opinion, then immediately ask him/her to hang out in precisely the way he/she suggested.

Bam! You have a date for Valentine's Day! Now, go buy some chocolates for your date, you smooth-talking charmer, you.😉

Importance Of Vulnerability In Dating

After you have your heart broken, you're not as quick to jump into a relationship. You don't want to get hurt again, so you put walls up. You're slower to trust someone with your whole heart. Your last relationship was a learning experience and now you are more alert of red flags you didn't see last time. This is natural, but it's not fair to the next person you date.

Think of your relationship with Christ. He loves you unconditionally with no walls up, despite the fact that we cheat on Him multiple times per day when we make decisions that are contrary to His will. Can you imagine if He had walls up, and withheld a portion of His love from you?

Yes, learn from your past experiences and use good judgement, but don't limit or withhold your trust or your love from someone who hasn't done anything to betray you.

16 Ways To Ruin A Date

Gentlemen, today we are doing the ladies a solid! We are going over some date-ruining behaviors that turn her off. Perhaps these will help secure more 2nd, 3rd, and 4th dates!

Being too clingy

"What are your plans tomorrow?"
"What time do you get home?"
"Where are you going?"
"Who are you going with?"
"Can I come?"

Back off, bro! I know you really like her and want to be with her but you have to respect her freedom and independence.

Bad Hygiene

Girls, in general, notice a lot of details about hygiene than guys do. We may check out ourselves in the mirror and comment, "Flawless! As always..." but can easily overlook some crucial details. Here's your pre-date checklist before going out:

• Fingernails (and toenails if you're going swimming or something): short and clean 
• Eyebrows: there should be two of them
• Armpits: have a roommate or your mom smell them for you because I know a lot of guys who think they don't stink but in reality I can see the fumes emanating from their armholes. Better safe than sorry--get a washcloth, put some soap and water on it, give your pits a good scrub, dry them off, apply deodorant, and put on a fresh, clean shirt.
• Cologne: a little goes a long way. Just one spray on the neck! You're a classy gentleman; no need for overkill. "But what if she can't smell me?" That's not a bad thing! What a relief for her you don't smell really strong like all the other guys. Besides, she'll get a nice whiff when she's nuzzling into your neck when you're cuddling later because she can't resist you, tiger (Nuzzling? Probably not the best word...she's not a puppy. Oh well, too lazy to change that).
• Breath: should remind her of the time she went hiking up the mountains in Nepal last fall. Don't just chew a piece of gum to hide the day-old stanky-stank, that's like skipping all the dance moves and going straight for the "Heeeeyyy Macarena!" Remember to floss, brush, use a tongue scraper (once you use one, and see all the gunk that comes off even after you brush, you can't imagine not using one anymore), mouthwash, AND THEN you can use a mint or gum.

Bad Shoes

Girls don't notice that, do they? Most do. Ask around and see for yourself. How do you know if they are bad? Simple, don't wear shoes that are dated, dirty, or dorky/bulky. 

Bad:

Good:

The Wrong Level Of Confidence

No one likes insecurity. "I can't believe you let me take you out on a date, I mean, you're waaaay out of my league. Are you sure you like me? Why don't you like Bob? He's so much better than me, plus he looks like Ryan Gosling. I've never been on a date with a girl as cute as you before so I'm being extra careful to not do anything stupid. After this date, don't ignore my texts. In fact, let's schedule our next date right now so we don't forget later. I'll call you!"

Ew! This gives me the shivers. Anyone with a brain knows this is just unacceptable, and it's obvious there needs to be more confidence than that, but how much? 

What guys think when a girl says she wants a guy with confidence:

What girls really mean:

Eric? A symbol for confidence? Of course! He's not insecure, but he also doesn't brag about himself like Gaston. He's being himself, not playing any games, and he's interested in getting to know Ariel. I bet in the deleted scenes  he asked her "Do you want to go out on the canoe with me?" He probably didn't say "Um, d-d-do ya maybe wanna go on a canoe or something?" or "I'm taking you on a canoe ride. I go all the time. Sometimes I race dolphins and usually win."

Being Rude

Some guys are trying to be funny by insulting the server. Remember how everyone was roasting Justin Bieber over the past few years and making funny memes? Well, okay that was kinda funny. But now we are giving the poor Biebs a rest. When you're on dates, it's not cool to be rude. Especially don't make fun of your date, even if you're "just kidding" because that's just not cute.

How You Talk About Your Ex

I know dude logic goes like "If I trash my ex, my date will see that she's better than her and won't have to worry about comparing herself to her. And she won't wonder if I still have feelings for her either." Or the opposite, "If I talk about how great my ex is and how we are still best friends, my date will see just how great and nice I am."

Here are some simple guidelines: only talk about your ex if your date asks. Address her question, but don't dwell; keep it simple. "She's a great girl; we just weren't great together." If she presses further, asking why you broke up, be classy and honest and give the 10-second summary of how you weren't compatible.

Being A Dirty Little Boy

It doesn't matter if you drive a Tesla, or your mom's minivan as long as it's clean. Take out all the trash, vacuum it, and have a subtle air freshener. A dirty car shows you are lazy, irresponsible and that you don't take care of things you care about.

Being A Bad Conversationalist

Again, referencing prince Eric. He's such a stud. Keeping a conversation going when she can't talk, and still not talking about himself. Here are some good conversationalist tips:

• Ask open-ended questions: Instead of "How was your day?", which she might just say "My day was good; how about yours?" You can say "Tell me about your day." See the difference? She will open up more.
• Start broad, then gradually go into specifics: Rather than asking "What book are you currently reading?" That sounds like you have an agenda. Start broad and ask "What do you like to do when you're not working?" Then follow-up with other comments and questions which may lead to a completely different direction that you imagined.
• Have empathy: When she's telling you about something she enjoys doing, put yourself in her shoes, and think about how that would make you feel if you were doing it too, and it was one of your passions, then follow up with "That sounds really (insert intelligent adjective here) therapeutic/exhilarating/fulfilling" 
• The 60/40 rule: Let her do most of the talking, but at the end of the date you don't want her to say "I feel like I've been doing a lot of talking-I don't know anything about you!" 
• Listen: This is obvious, but don't just listen with your ears, make eye contact (break away every once in a while so as to not appear creepy...even if you truly are creepy, you don't want her to know!), and face her with your body, even have your toes pointing at her. The reason why I say this so specifically is because when YOU are the one talking, it feels good that the person you're talking to isn't just listening, but actually loves hearing what you are saying. You want her to feel that way. Listen as if she is about to tell you the winning lottery numbers. 
• Ask hypotheticals: These reveal her personality and it shows you're not boring. Questions like: "If you started a company, what would it be?"
  "If you had 3 wishes, what would you wish for?"
  "If you had a $50,000 gift card to any store, which would it be?"
  "What's something you've never done but always wanted to try?"
  "What are your pet peeves?" That one isn't a hypothetical question, but it's a good one! (when people scrape their teeth on their fork/spoon... *shudder*)

Being Late

It's disrespectful and shows you don't care about her. Don't do it on purpose to avoid looking like you are trying too hard, you dork.

Don't "Wing It"

This looks like you don't care... in a bad way. But girls love spontaneity, right? You can be spontaneous, while still having a plan. For example, when you ask a girl out in the first place, you might ask her what she does for work, and what she likes to do when she's not working, and if she says "I like rock climbing." and you say "Let's go rock climbing sometime." Bam! That was spontaneous. 

Make a plan, and let her know the plan. That's the confidence girls like. But let's say the rock climbing gym is closed today, then you can be spontaneous.

Talking About Yourself Too Much

Only talk about yourself when she asks or if it's relevant, and NEVER ever brag - even if you do teach blind kittens how to read.

Looking At Your Phone

What are we, in high school? This means you'd rather be hanging out with the person on your phone, than with your date. An exception is "Sorry this is my mom/roommate asking if I'm okay." One time a girl did this and even read the text to me; it was reassuring and I thought that was cool.

Being Touchy-Feely

I know she's beautiful and she looks really good in those jeans, but you gotta hold back. She wants to know you think she's beautiful on the inside. 

He Who Asks, Pays

If you asked her out, then you pay for everything, even if you have several activities planned. If she asked you on a date, you should still offer, but she will probably insist and cover the cost, but in case she doesn't, be prepared to pay for it anyway. 

Doing An Activity She Hates

What could be an ideal date for one girl could be torture for another. It's a good idea to ask beforehand, "How do you feel about water parks?" Just in case she has a phobia of swimming with hairy, half-naked strangers. My buddy Tanner usually gives 2-3 options, all of which he would really enjoy, and she gets to choose one she would enjoy as well.

Being A Gentleman, But Not Overkill

A girl loves a guy who is kind and thoughtful, but not as much when he treats her like she is too incompetent to open any door. Here's a quick guide:

• Opening the car door for her as she gets in = Good
• Opening the car door for her as she gets out = Overkill
• Opening the door to the restaurant as you walk in/out = Good
• Standing when she leaves the table = Overkill
• Scooting her chair in for her when she sits at the table = Overkill
• Wiping her mouth with a napkin = Here you go you helpless little damsel in distress...

Do all these things genuinely, and you've got nothing to worry about fellas! Good luck!

Does My Nose Smell Like Chocolate?

One dating problem many guys face is whether or not to make a move. Similarly, many girls encounter the troubling question, “Why won’t he make a move?” Hopefully this post will solve both predicaments.

Ladies, let’s say you've been spending time with a guy but he has yet to make a move. You don't have to be completely helpless; you can instigate. Take my sister, Katie, for example; that's how she got married. While having a great conversation with a dreamy guy with lush, thick eyebrows she asked, "So, when are you gonna ask me on a date?" And then after a few dates asked, "So when are you gonna ask me to be your girlfriend?" I think she even contemplated proposing to him. Luckily, he beat her to it. 

You don't have to go that far, but you can start subtle by touching him, smiling, playing with your hair, being really close to him, lots of eye contact and bashful giggling: “Tee hee!” You can be slightly more bold and grab his hand, or hold his arm and rest your head on his shoulder, nibble his earlobe, etc. He will definitely get the hint. If you’re really gutsy you can tell him “Hey, I really like you!” and see what happens.

There are some tricks you can do too. You can pretend to (or legitimately) be incompetent in something and ask for his help. Or try the classic, “I’m cold” routine. One neat little trick is if you have cold hands, you can say, “Feel how cold my hands are.” My personal favorite: you gotta sniff loudly a couple times and with a confused look ask, “Does my nose smell like chocolate?” Lean in, and he will lean in, and your noses will almost be touching. This will always end up in a kiss.

You see the covers of all these novels? Just beforehand the girl asked the guy “Do you think my nose smells like chocolate?” These images are just men smelling women’s noses.

Some guys can pick up hints really well while other guys can’t pick up a hint if it punches them in the face. These hints should be fool proof.

But for us guys, what if she isn’t giving out hints? What if her being flirty and touchy is just her personality and how she is with all guys? These girls will frequently be pursued by guys thinking that she likes them when really she’s just being herself. How do we differentiate without looking like a fool? You can watch for clues like the ones mentioned above. Luckily there are a few tests that you can do too:

Test #1: Be close enough to her that your arm or leg is just "naturally" touching her. Does she move away? This means she isn’t into you. If she stays there, she probably likes you. 

Test #2: Is she laughing at your jokes? If she likes you, she’ll laugh no matter how lame they are. Ideally you’d want to use jokes in the moment off the top of your head (if you’re daring enough, and it’s the right type of girl, you could even use a pun). Try to stay away from structured jokes with punch-lines. But if that’s all you have, you can use this one: “Why did the toilet paper roll down the stairs? To get to the bottom!” 

Test #3: When you hug, release only halfway. If she doesn’t want to kiss, she will pull away. If she does want to kiss, she will look at your lips. Even if you’re not hugging, if she looks at your lips, she wants to be kissed.

Test #4: Play with her hair. If you're facing her and you brush her hair back and she lets you, she wants to be kissed. If not, she'll pull away. 

If you are still too shy after she passes all four tests you've lost your man card. Sorry pal.

Take risks, be bold, and have fun!

My "Realistic" Expectations

When I got home from my mission, my mama told me to find a really nice girl, as sweet as can be.  A friend told me, “find someone who can appreciate your…uniqueness.” One day, a sister of mine saw me in shorts, made a face and said, “If you find a girl who likes your leg hairs…marry her.” At a family dinner, my 3 sisters commented “It will be strange to suddenly have another sister when Devin gets married…Devin, be sure to marry a talented girl who makes us want to be better.” Looks like the bar is set pretty high, but I’ll see what I can do.


As a tender lad of 12 (see image), I heard a phrase, “If you want to find the one, you have to BE the one” (Judging by the image, I was obviously well on my way to becoming Mr. Right).
This phrase stuck with me like plaque on an artery wall, and is the purpose of this post.
Growing up, my dad would always find opportunities to teach me, covering an array of topics such as cars, jets, the gospel, space shuttles, how to tuck my ear inside itself, and certain scarring lessons in female anatomy (that part I blocked out of my memory…All I know is the setup inside looks something like the Texas Longhorn logo).



As a father of 3 girls, he would often teach me to develop certain attributes and how to improve my character, concluding with “that’s something you’ll need when one day you’re sitting down with a potential father-in-law asking for his daughter's hand in marriage.”

How do I know when I’m ready for that interview (should I bring references)? Or even more soul-searching, would I hand off my future daughter to a guy with the qualities that I have (and lack)? I think a lot about what my future wife is entitled to in a husband. What kind of husband does she deserve? Who does she expect me to be?

I think about what I have to offer her, and am reminded of where I can improve. That being said, I have come up with some realistic expectations I would appreciate in a wife as I seek to prepare myself for her, resulting in us being equally yoked.

1. Girls are pretty. I’m not picky with the particulars. However, she gets bonus points if she has a nice set of full lips (for whistling of course), nicely-shaped eyebrows, and if I can run my hand through her hair without getting stuck in knots.
2. I've learned that people need to have a correct relationship with their parents. By that I mean it's wonderful if there is a direct correlation between the closeness of her relationship with each of her parents conditional on the emotional health of each parent, generally speaking. For example, being close with her parents if they are kind and have healthy boundaries. A distant relationship with a loving and rational parent is just as much of a yellow flag as a close relationship with a manipulative and controlling parent.
3. Intelligent, obviously. This should be first. I like me a deep thinker. Sure' nuff. 
4. I like women who are open to therapy. I believe in preventing problems instead of waiting until something becomes a problem.
5. I'm passionate about self-respect and self-discipline. We should aspire to do things that both make us happy and show love to our future self so we will be in a better position financially, physically, spiritually, etc... Maybe it's a flaw of my own but I don't have a lot of patience for people who say halfheartedly, "Oh I wish I was better at (saving money/eating healthy, keeping promises, etc...)," when they don't take action to improve.
6. I like women who are nurturing, kind, supportive, domestic, enjoy serving others, and love children. I clump these together because of how closely related they are in nature. Obviously these are great traits for anyone to have. If she wants to work as well, more power to her. I don't have expectations of my future wife staying at home, unless that's what she wants.
7. I think many lifestyle choices are a result of tradition and familiarity, rather than efficiency. She doesn't have to be mentally wired in that same way, but it would make my knees weak if she was open to logically and objectively examine why we do the things we do and choose the option more efficient in achieving the desired result. Naw mean?
8. It's important to me that she has her priorities straight. I'd prefer to avoid emotional infidelity. This applies to being overly-materialistic or having an unhealthy obsession. I'm particular about this because this is how my (and many others') marriage ended.
9. I only want to date women who are drawn to my unique characteristics. Otherwise I kind of feel used if she's looking for just any decent guy.
10. Connection. If women asked themselves, "What behaviors from a husband would make me feel so loved like I won the jackpot of husbands?" I would make an effort to exhibit that behavior as often as I can while still being realistic. For that same reason, a strong sex-drive in a woman is important to me. 

It goes without saying that only high quality men can qualify for such a high quality woman as this, and perfection is unattainable. 

For the Love of Nerds!

Technorati Tags: nerds,love,dating,advice

There are many different types of guys in the world: dorks, dopes, jerks, jocks, gentlemen (aka the nice guys), geeks, losers, lovers, cheaters, ballers, thugs, convicts, nerds, players, womanizers, pansies, partiers, professionals, punks, and tools.  

Out of all of these, I believe I mostly fall under the “thug” category.

I know a gang sign.
I can speak Ebonics.
I own a shotgun.
I read health books and finance books for fun.
Instead of playing football, I’d rather play the piano.
Instead of watching TV, I’d rather blog.
I have a pinterest.
I like puns that get a laugh maybe 20% of the time.

How much more thug can you be?

But anyway, the type of guy that I most aspire to be is a nerd. Why? Because nerds are honest, smart, and most of all, they have the most passion. That’s what makes nerds nerdy; being passionate about something. They live life to the fullest. They love learning. John Green put it best, “ . . . nerds like us are allowed to be unironically enthusiastic about stuff…Nerds are allowed to love stuff, like jump-up-and-down-in-the-chair-can’t-control-yourself love it. When people call people nerds, mostly what they’re saying is ‘you like stuff.’ Which is just not a good insult at all. Like ‘you are too enthusiastic about the miracle of human consciousness.’”

Ladies, I recommend you date nerds. After 30 or 40 years, what type of guy do you think would still be interesting to you and keep your marriage full of joy and passion? Very few things are stronger than the love of a nerd. Good looks, “swag” and athleticism are temporary. Nerdiness will be sexy when you’re old. And they’ll be rich.