When I got home from my mission, my mama told me to find a really nice girl, as sweet as can be. A friend told me, “find someone who can appreciate your…uniqueness.” One day, a sister of mine saw me in shorts, made a face and said, “If you find a girl who likes your leg hairs…marry her.” At a family dinner, my 3 sisters commented “It will be strange to suddenly have another sister when Devin gets married…Devin, be sure to marry a talented girl who makes us want to be better.” Looks like the bar is set pretty high, but I’ll see what I can do.
As a tender lad of 12 (see image), I heard a phrase, “If you want to find the one, you have to BE the one” (Judging by the image, I was obviously well on my way to becoming Mr. Right).
This phrase stuck with me like plaque on an artery wall, and is the purpose of this post.
Growing up, my dad would always find opportunities to teach me, covering an array of topics such as cars, jets, the gospel, space shuttles, how to tuck my ear inside itself, and certain scarring lessons in female anatomy (that part I blocked out of my memory…All I know is the setup inside looks something like the Texas Longhorn logo).
As a father of 3 girls, he would often teach me to develop certain attributes and how to improve my character, concluding with “that’s something you’ll need when one day you’re sitting down with a potential father-in-law asking for his daughter's hand in marriage.”
How do I know when I’m ready for that interview (should I bring references)? Or even more soul-searching, would I hand off my future daughter to a guy with the qualities that I have (and lack)? I think a lot about what my future wife is entitled to in a husband. What kind of husband does she deserve? Who does she expect me to be?
I think about what I have to offer her, and am reminded of where I can improve. That being said, I have come up with some realistic expectations I would appreciate in a wife as I seek to prepare myself for her, resulting in us being equally yoked.
1. Girls are pretty. I’m not picky with the particulars. However, she gets bonus points if she has a nice set of full lips (for whistling of course), nicely-shaped eyebrows, and if I can run my hand through her hair without getting stuck in knots.
2. I've learned that people need to have a correct relationship with their parents. By that I mean it's wonderful if there is a direct correlation between the closeness of her relationship with each of her parents conditional on the emotional health of each parent, generally speaking. For example, being close with her parents if they are kind and have healthy boundaries. A distant relationship with a loving and rational parent is just as much of a yellow flag as a close relationship with a manipulative and controlling parent.
3. Intelligent, obviously. This should be first. I like me a deep thinker. Sure' nuff.
4. I like women who are open to therapy. I believe in preventing problems instead of waiting until something becomes a problem.
5. I'm passionate about self-respect and self-discipline. We should aspire to do things that both make us happy and show love to our future self so we will be in a better position financially, physically, spiritually, etc... Maybe it's a flaw of my own but I don't have a lot of patience for people who say halfheartedly, "Oh I wish I was better at (saving money/eating healthy, keeping promises, etc...)," when they don't take action to improve.
6. I like women who are nurturing, kind, supportive, domestic, enjoy serving others, and love children. I clump these together because of how closely related they are in nature. Obviously these are great traits for anyone to have. If she wants to work as well, more power to her. I don't have expectations of my future wife staying at home, unless that's what she wants.
7. I think many lifestyle choices are a result of tradition and familiarity, rather than efficiency. She doesn't have to be mentally wired in that same way, but it would make my knees weak if she was open to logically and objectively examine why we do the things we do and choose the option more efficient in achieving the desired result. Naw mean?
8. It's important to me that she has her priorities straight. I'd prefer to avoid emotional infidelity. This applies to being overly-materialistic or having an unhealthy obsession. I'm particular about this because this is how my (and many others') marriage ended.
9. I only want to date women who are drawn to my unique characteristics. Otherwise I kind of feel used if she's looking for just any decent guy.
10. Connection. If women asked themselves, "What behaviors from a husband would make me feel so loved like I won the jackpot of husbands?" I would make an effort to exhibit that behavior as often as I can while still being realistic. For that same reason, a strong sex-drive in a woman is important to me.
It goes without saying that only high quality men can qualify for such a high quality woman as this, and perfection is unattainable.
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