Dating an Addict

This post will be a bit different than my other posts in the fact there won't be much humor here; this is a more serious topic. As you may know, young adult Christian women are encouraged to ask young adult men they're dating, "When was the last time you looked at porn and what did you do about it?" And rightly so; it's a disease that has taken control of millions of minds and ruined families. Girls are scared they will end up with a porn addict; they know the stats are shockingly high and are dreading the odds not being in their favor.

Is there anything wrong with asking that question? Not necessarily, but it may come across self-righteous without you meaning to be, and there are other vices that can potentially as destructive that you can inquire about.

As one recovering addict has said, "Addicts Anonymous should more accurately be called, 'Liars Anonymous.'" Addicts have a universal common quality: they lie. If you ask an addict about the last time he used, there's a good chance he will lie about it (unless he's already on the road to recovery). Do you really think he'll answer, "Funny you should ask, I just looked at porn yesterday." I don't think so. He will most likely say something like, "Yeah I came across it once or twice like 12,000 years ago but that was it." Some porn addicts will even genuinely believe they aren't addicted; they think that they can stop if they want to but they just choose to continue.

So how do you know if they are telling the truth?

People with addictions of all kinds exhibit certain behaviors whether the addiction is porn, alcohol, eating disorders, self-harm, video games, gossiping, etc... Here is a list compiled from studies done by researchers and addiction recovery therapists - some of these are tailored to those with sexual addictions:

• Manipulative
• Irresponsible
• Asks you for inappropriate pictures
• Guilt-tripping
• Fault-finding
• Easily irritable
• Isolates himself/anti-social
• Messy
• Asks you really intimate questions about your body, underwear, etc...
• Enjoys non-committal hook-ups
• One or both parents may also have a history with addiction
• Secretive (hides his phone)
• Generally unhappy
• Inability to deal with stress
• Low self-esteem
• Impatient
• In denial
• Accusing you of things he is guilty of
• Impulsive
• Periods of depression
• Big reactions to immodesty 
• Anxiety
• Loss of interest in activities he previously enjoyed
• Defensive
• Family problems
• Loss of interest in personal hygiene or grooming 
• Unexplained or sudden disappearances
• Mood swings
• Suicidal thoughts
• Makes excuses
• Procrastinates

These characteristics don't mean he/she is a porn addict; it means this person could (but doesn't guarantee) be addicted to something including porn, video games, anything... When they feel stressed, alone, hurt, rejected, embarrassed, etc... (basically a lack of connection) where do they turn for comfort or connection?

On the other hand, there are positive qualities that addicts simply don't have. I couldn't find much content about this online, so most of this is compiled from my own observations in people that I know are free from addiction. If you see these qualities then he probably doesn't have an addiction:

• Humble
• Enthusiastic
• Is respectful to women
• Dresses modestly
• Proactively looks to serve others
• Enjoys scripture study
• Always positive and respectful
• Honest
• Productive
• Forgiving
• Is not easily offended
• Has a clean and genuine sense of humor
• Your parents like him - good vibes

You can have the gift of discernment to help you know if this is a good path to pursue. The good news is these behaviors cannot be faked on a consistent basis: Moroni 7:11 says “ For behold, a bitter fountain cannot bring forth good water; neither can a good fountain bring forth bitter water; wherefore, a man being a servant of the devil cannot follow Christ; and if he follow Christ he cannot be a servant of the devil.”

So, is asking about his porn history ineffective? All I'm saying is if you are observant and careful, you shouldn't have to.

So, what do you do? You can leave - he shouldn't have to be your project, he's the Savior's project. He will eventually kick the habit (hopefully). You can ask to go to an addiction recovery meeting together. Bottom line is if you stay to make sure he feels a connection with you; guilt trips will only make it worse; you can never criticize someone into perfection. They don't need reminders of how harmful their habit is, they need unconditional love.

The purpose of this post isn't to shame the addict - it's to give the girl a fighting chance to be aware and not be duped.